Janel's Blog!

So yesterday I went on a date with Matt. It was ok, we held hands. But I kept thinking, why am I here? What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm in love with someone else and here I am sitting here thinking about them. So I tried to act like I was having a good time even though my thoughts were way off in another direction. lol. So... he wants to go to rhythm and booms with me, the big fireworks show this saturday, but I don't wanna go with him. Now Hunter doesn't wanna go 2 a movie and that sucks. Matt is a great guy he listens, some of the time, he talks a lot and makes me laugh, but why do I need him when I already know my perfect guy? THIS SUCKS! ttyl

Hunter I hoped u liked my song I wrote. I needed 2 rewrite this post because I didn't know how 2 say it yesterday but now I do. Aren't you pretty happy right now? You get 2 do stuff with your friends and everything. I'll let you, it will be just like now only we'll obviously spend a little more time together. If I can do it now, then I can do it later. And look, if you spend time with your friends, our arguements decrease a TON! And so... Trust- you do trust me, in certain ways believe it or not. If we were 2 do something new and you weren't sure about it, i'd say trust me and you would. Now that's trust its just I'm missing in the other area. So I can build it up by not lying 2 you ever so you will find nothing 2 decrease the trust more (which I should have done) and by you realizing that you do have some trust for me in certain ways and you at least trying to believe me because its the truth (no more lies). So find the strength and I can guarentee you'll be the happiest you've ever been and it won't be like before. I guess its just a myth you'll have 2 believe in. I love you

This song is for you Hunter, I wrote it, it's called "You and me,"

I'm just layin' here
Tired of all the tears
I know you're out there somewhere
And I wish that I was there

I have all this pain
My heart just can't let it go
There is no other name
I just want you to know...

Nothing's the same
I'm tired of this game
My heart's torn apart
I don't know where to start
Why does it gotta be like this
Really need your kiss
I know we were ment to be
Just you and me

Staring blankly at the wall
When I stand I just fall
Because without you
There is no me...

I hold my bear and squeeze him just to hear your voice
Wishin it was really you
But I don't have that choice
I really need you, this time I'm tellin' the truth

Nothing's the same
I'm tired of this game
My heart's torn apart
I don't know where to start
Why does it gotta be like this
Really need your kiss
I know we were ment to be
Just you and me

Now there were some hard times
But we always made it through
Look what we can do
This one will make it too

Remember all those memories
Of you and me
There was Christmas and One Act
Concerts and bowling
Movies and football games
Love and homecoming
Think of all that fun
Now it's all done

We really were ment to be
Forever, yes forever, you and me...

I just don't understand. Why you running from a good girl baby. Why you wanna turn your back on love. And why you've already giving up. See I know you've been hurt by me before, but I swear I'll give you so much more. I swear I'll never let you down again. Because I swear it's you that I adore, and I can't help myself babe because I think about you constantly. My heart gets no rest over you. I'll be taking up your time till the day I make you realize that for you there could be no one else. I've just gotta have you for myself cos baby I would take good care of you no matter what it is your going through. I'll be there for you when you're in need please baby believe in me. If love is a crime then punish me cos I would die for you. I don't want to live without you. What can I do? Why do you keep us apart? Why won't you give up your heart? You know that we're meant to be together. Why do you push me away?All that I want is to give you love forever and ever and ever. You can call me selfish, but all I want is your love. You can call me hopeless babe because I'm hopelessly in love. Tell me what do I gotta do to prove that I'm the only one for you? I'm in love with you and I've searched my soul to know that it's you. You know that it's you. I'll prove that I'm the only one for you because I really do love you!

Oh, today was long lol. I had my orientation meeting at 830, and I got a TB test where they stick a needle right under your skin and put some medicine in it and if it reacts you have TB. So after I got that done I had to sit through 4 and a half hrs of rules and regulations like care giver misconduct and background check stuff. All the details of fire, tornado, missing residents etc. I also had to watch a hand washing video lol it was pretty weird. lol. After orientation I went home and at lunch. I had a eye appt then and I got new contacts because I need stronger lens. Then I went and got fingerprinted lol because of the backround check and everything. Then I went to walgreens and got some picture frames because I finally got back all of my pictures from vacation and hunter's bowling tournament and a lot of stuff. Then I ate dinner at a resteraunt with my mom and we came home. Now John is coming over at 8 to watch the 2 hr premiere of America's got Talent or w/e its called. So that's my day! whew! lol kk ttyl

Today was a pretty good day for me. I had a job interview at 9:30 and I got hired right then and there! So tomorrow I start, I know talk about short notice at 830am, grrr... I have to train first though but I still get payed for the time I put in training so thats good, I get paid 7.25 an hr! YES! Then after that I went to my mom's doctor's appt because of some signs of a cancerous lump. Then my mom and I went grocery shopping and we came home. I had LS over for lunch and we talked a lot. Then after she left John and I went on a bike ride around town and talked about a lot of stuff and then I ate dinner with his family and watched a movie over there, harry potter and the goblet of fire with them and then John biked with me back home and now here I am. I should go because I have training at 830 and all kk.

So I just got home from cali yesterday!!! It was a lot of fun, I got to go to the beach almost everyday, and look at those hot surfer guys, lol jk. Ne ways we also went to Jay Leno and the guest was Jack Black which was cool. We also went to hollywood and did a star tour where you can see other star's houses, we saw Tom Cruise, P. Diddy, Snoop Dog, and sooooo many others its hard to name them all. We also took a tour of the kodak theatre where the academy awards or oscar's take place. We got to ride in the same elevator stars do when they go up to the stage and we took the "winners walk" where a celebrity takes if they win the oscar. We also got to go into vip lounges and other non access areas which was really fun. I took pictures next to the handprints in the ground at the chinese theatre and next to the stars that are in the sidewalk. Next we went to the redwood forest and I didn't like it too much because it took you two hours just to get out of the park and into the park it was total isolation from the rest of the world lol and we stayed there one night in a lodge thing. I was afraid b/c they had signs everywhere saying warning bears active and i was omg i'm gonna get attacked by a giant bear. But of course I didn't lol. So we spent a lot of time at the beach and I'm glad I got a really nice tan while I got to stare at all the hot guys, jk once again lol. I met this guy there from michigan and he is really cute at Jay Leno b/c we had to wait in line for over 2 hours so we talked a lot. It was really fun but I'm glad to be home to hang out with all my friends again cos I missed them a lot. lol so... I guess ttyl

I think this has got to me my favorite song right now. It really describes how I feel.

Ever since the day you went away
And left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same
Oh baby no
When I looked into your eyes
The moment that you let me go I just broke down
Baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again
I would sacrifice
'Cause the feelin that I feel within no other man
Would ever make me feel so right
It's nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me
Right next to me
And I miss the way you hold me tight

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you I'd do anything
That's right baby
I'm goin' crazyI need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

Break it down now
I'll tell you what I feel
From the moment that I met you it's been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat every time we speak
Can't believe I feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me
And you want me
And you miss me
And you love me
I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you
Put it down be the woman for you
I'm falling so deep for you
Crazy over you I'm calling
Callin' out to you
What am I gonna do?
It's true no frontin'
It's you ain't no other
I can no longer go on without you
I just break down

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you I'd do anything
That's right baby I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

So I was reading on my bed when my phone rang. I didn't know the number but I picked it up anyway. What a surprise, Matt, he called to see what I was up to. Its kind of ironic that we talked the last time Hunter and I broke up and now all of a sudden as if he knew about it called me again. Its weird. But anyways it was fun to vent lol, and see whats new with him. Thats all on that subject. So my song yesterday was by Buckcherrry~ Hunter likes them so I put it up : ) I miss Hunter. I fall asleep with Benjamin in my arms holding him tight pressing the button over and over wishing it was really Hunter instead of the bear. I can't eat, I've only managed to eat a piece of toast and a bowl of cereal since Sunday. I know its not good, but save urself the speech, I just can't eat. So... here's a song about how I feel today. The good news is I'll be leaving for Cali in less than 3 days so then I can get away from and enjoy myself.

Love can be a many splendid thing
Has another joy you bring
A dozen roses
Diamond rings
Dreams for sale
And fairy tales
It will make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drunk that makes you blind
It'll fool you everytime

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See you've got no say at all

Now I was once a fool it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue
I'm sadder but I'm wiser too
I swore I would never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See you've got no say at all

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin
And I keep on fallin
Over and over again
This set story always ends the same
Me standin in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride
See your heart its in your soul
You wont remember control
See you've got no say at all

There are days that take too long
It's those days I wish I had you right here in my arms
I'm gettin' lonely, I'm sick waiting here for you
I'm gettin' lonely, please come home cause I want to be with you, or maybe I'm a fool
And I say baby you still drive me crazy
Somethings gonna change me so you don't have to cry
Maybe I should take the blame
I guess a music man is no shelter from the rain

And I say baby you still drive me crazy
Somethings gonna change me so you don't have to cry
Baby you know that you saved me
Your loves so amazing you're never off my mind

Nothings going on I've been gone for way to long
I'll be right back in your arms don't be afraid
I'm getting closer, I'm making my way back home to you
I'm getting closer, I can see your face and the light keeps shining through, and what am I supposed to do

Nothings going on I've been gone for way to long
I'll be right back in your arms don't be afraid

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel sad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay?