Janel's Blog!

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
But words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me
That you'll always feel this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever, baby

(Chorus)
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't wanna know the lover at my door
Its just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
When you tell me that you love me
Know for sureI don't wanna be lonely anymore

It's hard for me
With my heart still on the mend
Open up to me
You sing to me
And it's harmony
What you do to me is everything
Make me say anything
Just to get you back again
Why can't we just try

(Chorus)

What if I was good to you
What if you were good to me
What if I could hold you
'Til I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise
What if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to
Find some way to stand beside you
(Chorus)

I've been thinking about Hunter alot. But, to keep my spirits up I've been talking to a guy on the phone for a night or two now. His name is Matt. He's really nice and I like how he just listens to me about Hunter. Now, he's no where near as sweet and charming as Hunter is, but he is very wonderful. He's supportive about it all and he's really helping me get through this. We talk for hours. But, still my thoughts can't totally drift away from that sweetie I love so much...... Read on...

The beautiful days are long gone
I can't seem to breathe
It feels like it hasn't been that long
Since you walked away from me
Now I can try to act real strong
But you and I both know
I still think of you that way
You should now that...

The beautiful lights
the star filled nights
They don't mean a thing
Cause you were my star and so it don't seem right
Without you here with me
Now I can try to act real strong
But you and I both know
You were my soul....

Now I could say that I don't love you no more
And I could say that I've closed the door for our love
And I could tell you I feel
Its time for us to go our seperate ways
But baby I just wouldn't be the same
Cause your love is still on my brain

Now when your in love it takes time to heal
When someone's broken your heart it changes how you feel
I thought that you would never do me that way
But even after all I still think of you that way

Now I could say that I don't love you no more
And I could say that I've closed the door for our love
And I could tell you I feel
Its time for us to go our seperate ways
But baby I just wouldn't be the same
Cause your love is still on my brain

Now love is a game that we both like to play
But will I win or lose if I go or if I stay?
Even though I try to hide my broken heart inside
You know you know me inside out and I can't get you off of my mind

I just got back from my hair cut and highlite. It looks good. I went shopping also and got LS's present. Its good. She'll like it. Speaking of which, our birthday party is coming up in a couple days. I'm excited for it. Trish and I picked out my hair do for the party, its really really pretty. I can't wait. So... what else to say... um... I'm studying for exams tomorrow. I'm not to excited about those. I have english, chem, and career tomorrow, then math and spanish on wed. and then on thurs i have speedwriting. Yep. Then fri we have off. Yay! So, i have this nail appt with Debbie on Fri at 5 and I don't know what to do. Then Saturday is my party! I get my hair done at 3 and i'm decorating my basement in the morning so i don't have to worry about that, I think i am still going to karate, i dunno. Well... i got to finish studying for my big finals ttyl

So, what to say in this new blog? Um... its getting better I guess. I've finally understood. I feel so much better now. I opened up, I told it to someone and I was finally able to get it out there. It feels so much better. I feel like I'm no longer alone. A new light has come into my life and even though I don't even know the person they listened. Thanks to whoever he was. It really really helped me. And now my mom and I have this to get through. But its going to be together and I know she'll give me her full support. Thanks for making a difference to that one person, without it, I won't be here right now.

Can this please end? I'm ready to drop. Take a couple hours of sleep over the course of 2 days plus a broken heart, and no food and you get me. I can't sleep, eat, or even practically breathe for that matter. I want it to end, I'm praying it will all end. What do I do with myself, how do I take care of my self? I need help, I admit it I NEED HELP! The tears won't stop coming, everything is blurry. I'm running on nothing. Its just a repeat, millions of pieces. I'm sobbing on the ground. I can't get up. I need someone to listen. I need someone to understand. Why can't this all stop. This is torture, worse than before. I slam myself against the door. Slump to the floor, and wonder and cry and now just try to get by.

Without you

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
Oh there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So Take a look at me now
So there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is All I can do
When that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now
'Cause I'll still be standing here (standing here)
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take

Yeahh Take A look at me now
(Take A Look at me now)

My heart is shattered once again. Maybe, just like before, a new person will come along with some glue. :(

Once again, this happens. More drama in my life just when I thought everything was perfect. I had everything I wanted until about 1130 at night. Its 230am now and I still can't sleep. The tears are still streaming from my eyes and yet here I type away at the keyboard. So here I sit, I'm going to spill my night out, no better yet the last 4 months or so. My close friends know what has just occured. Emily and I have a new understanding as of a half hour ago. Hunter and I. So, once again I thought it was ment to be, second promise ring and all. Together forever, our phrase. Not tonight. Too many arguements is what it comes down to. Really, I have other thoughts. Anyways, he said he wanted to work it out as just friends and take yet another break. I'm so tired of breaks. I didn't want to deal with it, the pain, the sadness, how I still call, and want him to come and see me as if we're not "on break". Its heartwrenching. So... what'd I say, I told him its either we're together and we work out our problems or we're done. No more seeing each other, no break. He picked the choice we're done, over, finished! Finally, after months of crying, sadness, and grief, guess what? Its happening all over again. Only its not with the same guy. I thought it was all better, I thought it was finally my break, my blessing, my time to forget the past and move on with life and be with him. Nope. It really sucks. I don't know what to do. I can tell you one thing though I'm not doing anything drastic. I've learned my lesson with that one. So, I will sit up until perhaps 630 when I am suppose to get up. I'll keep sobbing, and keep on pondering. Why did this happen? It was all so sudden. Only hours ago were we sitting cuddled together on the couch with no thoughts of existance of the night to come. Am I to blame? Should I have done something different? I don't understand, isn't working through problems when you're still going out rather than apart better? I thought it was at least. It just doesn't seem real. Like I wasn't talking to the real Hunter, it was some other person. At this moment, I'm in a dream and I'm wondering when I'll wake up. Soon? I can only hope!

What you see's not what you get
With you there was just no measurement
No way to tell what was real from what isn't there
Your eyes they sparkled
That's all changed into lies that dropped like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You didn't care

You know you did it

I'm gone to find someone to live for in this world
There was no light at the end of the tunnel all those nights
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You are wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shatterd
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending, always over, back and forth up and down
Like a rollar coaster
I am breaking that habit

You know you did it

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it babe
Take the hit and walk away
Cause I'm goe
Don't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

Using people is wrong