Janel's Blog!

So I figured I may as well keep this as a little diary since no one will see it... today pretty much sucked! I found out some interesting info. Lydia and I found out Kyle has been lying to both of us saying he likes us both and saying one thing to us and then saying another thing to another... ugh!!!! 2 faced asshole!

So I just remembered I had this blog... its been almost a year since I've posted on it. I figure no one will even see this... but I have a lot on my mind... 2 guys really care about me... kyle and nate. But the thing is I'm not sure what to do. Even after all this time there is still only one guy that is constantly in my thoughts and that's Hunter. I still love him more than ever. It sucks and I had to vent this cos ik no one will find it. I keep this to myself cos ik it's stupid i'm not over him yet... but he really was my first true love, my only true love, and i really thought i was going to be with him forever, i wanted to be. I don't think he knew or knows how much i do love him. cos there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. He's the greatest guy out there and I really miss him.

So yesterday I went on a date with Matt. It was ok, we held hands. But I kept thinking, why am I here? What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm in love with someone else and here I am sitting here thinking about them. So I tried to act like I was having a good time even though my thoughts were way off in another direction. lol. So... he wants to go to rhythm and booms with me, the big fireworks show this saturday, but I don't wanna go with him. Now Hunter doesn't wanna go 2 a movie and that sucks. Matt is a great guy he listens, some of the time, he talks a lot and makes me laugh, but why do I need him when I already know my perfect guy? THIS SUCKS! ttyl

Hunter I hoped u liked my song I wrote. I needed 2 rewrite this post because I didn't know how 2 say it yesterday but now I do. Aren't you pretty happy right now? You get 2 do stuff with your friends and everything. I'll let you, it will be just like now only we'll obviously spend a little more time together. If I can do it now, then I can do it later. And look, if you spend time with your friends, our arguements decrease a TON! And so... Trust- you do trust me, in certain ways believe it or not. If we were 2 do something new and you weren't sure about it, i'd say trust me and you would. Now that's trust its just I'm missing in the other area. So I can build it up by not lying 2 you ever so you will find nothing 2 decrease the trust more (which I should have done) and by you realizing that you do have some trust for me in certain ways and you at least trying to believe me because its the truth (no more lies). So find the strength and I can guarentee you'll be the happiest you've ever been and it won't be like before. I guess its just a myth you'll have 2 believe in. I love you

This song is for you Hunter, I wrote it, it's called "You and me,"

I'm just layin' here
Tired of all the tears
I know you're out there somewhere
And I wish that I was there

I have all this pain
My heart just can't let it go
There is no other name
I just want you to know...

Nothing's the same
I'm tired of this game
My heart's torn apart
I don't know where to start
Why does it gotta be like this
Really need your kiss
I know we were ment to be
Just you and me

Staring blankly at the wall
When I stand I just fall
Because without you
There is no me...

I hold my bear and squeeze him just to hear your voice
Wishin it was really you
But I don't have that choice
I really need you, this time I'm tellin' the truth

Nothing's the same
I'm tired of this game
My heart's torn apart
I don't know where to start
Why does it gotta be like this
Really need your kiss
I know we were ment to be
Just you and me

Now there were some hard times
But we always made it through
Look what we can do
This one will make it too

Remember all those memories
Of you and me
There was Christmas and One Act
Concerts and bowling
Movies and football games
Love and homecoming
Think of all that fun
Now it's all done

We really were ment to be
Forever, yes forever, you and me...

I just don't understand. Why you running from a good girl baby. Why you wanna turn your back on love. And why you've already giving up. See I know you've been hurt by me before, but I swear I'll give you so much more. I swear I'll never let you down again. Because I swear it's you that I adore, and I can't help myself babe because I think about you constantly. My heart gets no rest over you. I'll be taking up your time till the day I make you realize that for you there could be no one else. I've just gotta have you for myself cos baby I would take good care of you no matter what it is your going through. I'll be there for you when you're in need please baby believe in me. If love is a crime then punish me cos I would die for you. I don't want to live without you. What can I do? Why do you keep us apart? Why won't you give up your heart? You know that we're meant to be together. Why do you push me away?All that I want is to give you love forever and ever and ever. You can call me selfish, but all I want is your love. You can call me hopeless babe because I'm hopelessly in love. Tell me what do I gotta do to prove that I'm the only one for you? I'm in love with you and I've searched my soul to know that it's you. You know that it's you. I'll prove that I'm the only one for you because I really do love you!

Oh, today was long lol. I had my orientation meeting at 830, and I got a TB test where they stick a needle right under your skin and put some medicine in it and if it reacts you have TB. So after I got that done I had to sit through 4 and a half hrs of rules and regulations like care giver misconduct and background check stuff. All the details of fire, tornado, missing residents etc. I also had to watch a hand washing video lol it was pretty weird. lol. After orientation I went home and at lunch. I had a eye appt then and I got new contacts because I need stronger lens. Then I went and got fingerprinted lol because of the backround check and everything. Then I went to walgreens and got some picture frames because I finally got back all of my pictures from vacation and hunter's bowling tournament and a lot of stuff. Then I ate dinner at a resteraunt with my mom and we came home. Now John is coming over at 8 to watch the 2 hr premiere of America's got Talent or w/e its called. So that's my day! whew! lol kk ttyl